the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
where are you?
Hypothermia
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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