i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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