if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
then he tried to convert me to islam
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I made him laugh his dick is mine
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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