I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
