I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
