...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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