basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
