Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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