Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
