i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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