If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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