I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
