I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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