well you can't waste a boner
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Walk of Shame today included voting.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I smell like Dick and happiness
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