I just cut my nipple shaving
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
