just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
