no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
