just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
