After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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