I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
