i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
