sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize