It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Even my vagina gasped.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
