not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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