oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize