Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just pynch a tree in the face
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
