I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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