there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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