fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
