I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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