Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
