So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
