The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You ate ashes out of my bong
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
