I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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