your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
