how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
