His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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