I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
