Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
