My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
