you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
