I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
