I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
he was CRYING into my vagina
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
