That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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