How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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