a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
