I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
