when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
