you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize