listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
