Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
