Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
