was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize