i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
