sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
