The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
