Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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